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Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Before Capturing an Airport, There Needs to Be One There. Special satirical edition, July 9 2019

The LATEST EVENTS are available, updated as recently as THURSDAY afternoon, July 11, at:

THIS is a one-item satirical special edition, written by the Guide's editor. Published elsewhere, it's brought enjoyment and plenty of email. So we figured, why not?

Thousands of global readers have read THIS edition through Wednesday night. They include people in the United States, Russia (4,708 reads there of just this edition, and counting), the Ukraine, France, Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, Brazil, Japan, "Unknown Region" (always a favorite when that shows-up), and the United Arab Emirates. We are always gratified and humbly puzzled when readers from other countries and cultures seek out the Guide. We love you every hit as much as our stateside readers and hope you bookmark us!

Don't worry: we do NOT track you or know anything about who you are -- just the national origin of numbers of reads. (Now, what the "corpirate" entities and search engines do, we cannot control. We do suggest that you ALWAYS use browsers that do NOT track you. We recommend DuckDuckGo and Startpage.)

So, why are so many people reading this edition? Well, here ya go...


Before Capturing an Airport, There Needs to Be One There

by Larry Wines

Revolutionary War patriots, their leather Snoopy helmets replacing three-sided cocked hats, carrying powder horn and musket while wearing flowing flying scarf — to, ah, take-over all the airports? As in Hessian International, Y-Doodle Aerodrome, and the One-if-by-Land Tower at Valley Forge Field?
After our singularly unique president and distractor-in-chief came up with that one, well, like you, it took a while to get our rolled-back eyes working again. Then we realized none of us can assume anything these days.
Cartoon included as originally published in LA Progressive
For those who need it — especially the one who (we all know) does not read anything, and therefore desperately needs Reality Orientation 101 — we offer a brief chronological history of how humans came to engage in aerial warfare. Of necessity, it is designed for the historically challenged (for the one who so woefully exhibits that trait, anyway).
Thus we review things, as simplistically as possible, through the time of the American Revolution… and a necessary bit after. Simply. In the hope he can understand it.

Humans and Aerial Warfare, A Primer

1) throw rock through air; first good rock-thrower becomes dominant in tribe.
2) throw sharpened stick (i.e., rudimentary spear) through air; first good stick-thrower becomes dominant in tribe; practice continues in track & field.
3) affix rock to stick before throwing through air; first good club-thrower becomes dominant in tribe; practice continues in Scottish Highland Games.
4) discover fire to help make sharp rock (will use fire again later).
5) affix sharpened rock to stick before throwing through air (proper spear); first good spear-thrower becomes dominant in tribe.
6) use animal sinew to make spear-throwing lever. Name it atlatl. First atlatl hunter becomes dominant in tribe; PETA is born to oppose exploitation of animal sinew.
7) affix animal sinew string to both ends of green flexible stick; makes bow to send smaller sharpened stick through air farther and faster; first bow hunter becomes dominant in tribe.
8) wrap animal sinew on portion of stick before attaching bowstring; adds energy to sharpened stick to go even farther through air.
9) affix sharpened rock to small sharpened stick; put feathers on other end; makes good arrow to launch from bow; first arrow-point hunter becomes dominant in tribe. First biologist founds Audubon Society to document threatened bird species killed for arrow feathers.
10) first politician forms large ranks of spear-throwers and arrow-shooters to point in same direction and rain death from sky.
11) first chemist mixes sulfur, saltpeter, and charcoal; makes big scarey flash in air.
12) first engineer puts lid on pot of above concoction; makes big scarey bang, throws lid in air.
13) first visionary puts concoction in pot, open end down; makes rocket.
14) first subversive uses animal sinew, wraps hollow log packed with concoction; throws rocks through air; sometimes log blows-up and ruins day.
15) first blacksmith makes hollow log from metal; reduces chance of blowing-up and ruining day; reliably ruins somone else’s day.
16) first General renames flash-bang concoction “gunpowder” to use in metal log.
17) first mass-murderer propels metal bits from metal log faster than animal/bird/person can run.
18) first gun nut makes metal log small to carry and hide; still throws metal bit through air faster than animal/bird/person can run.
19) first megalomaniac puts big metal log on wheels; rains death through somebody else’s sky.
20) second megalomaniac puts rocket on wheels to do more of same.
21) third megalomaniac puts big metal log and rocket on boat to rain death through air from water.
22) first lawyer-poet, defying stereotype of both, writes national anthem about rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air, regarding things launched from metal log on boat (three-plus decades after American Revolution).
23) first destroyer of breathable air invents internal combustion engine more than 100 years after American Revolution, and waits (see “discovering fire”).
24) first airplane inventor flies in 1903, one-hundred-twenty-seven years after Redcoat/Hessian/Fourth-of-July affair, and waits (see “discovering fire”).
25) internal combustion engine on airplane; gunpowder in pot drops through air from somebody else’s sky; 125+ years to 243 years, and counting, after American Revolution.
26) airport built to load pot of gunpowder and refuel internal combustion engine with noxious petroleum; becomes target of destruction — or capture — 125+ years to 243 years, and counting, after American Revolution.
27) gunpowder in pot re-named “blockbuster bomb” and put on 1,000+ airplanes; loudly rains death on industrial scale through air from somebody else’s sky.
28) second chemist replaces gunpowder in rocket to carry bigger bomb farther; rains death on industrial scale from far above other people’s sky.
29) bombs bursting in air re-named “drones”; quietly rain death from other people’s sky.
30) Celebration of America goes back to Make Gunpowder in Pot Great Again (with opening on pot pointed down); makes big firework spectacle 243 years after colonists could not capture airports that weren’t there for another 125+ years; event self-gratifies bloviating orange egotist on lawn full of tanks with hollow logs in turrets — beneath obscuring curtains of rain, raining from sky. Most of tribe stays in cave, having more sense than to go out in rain.
Certainly we could have recognized that island-hopping campaigns in the Pacific of World War II were all about capturing airfields. But that’s too second semester for the Commander-in-Tweet.

Previously published Saturday, July 6, in LA Progressive. Republished here for the enjoyment of the Guide's readers. (Hey, when you've got the connections and you see the reader numbers here are always through the roof when we publish sociopolitical and/or socio-comic content... well, there ya go.)


ADDITIONS TO THE MOST CURRENT "EVENTS" EDITION are made frequently until it's time for a full replacement to take over.

Right now, that edition can be reached by scrolling just past this lil' roundup and the legalese, or click it to appear at: 



We examined the implications for the arts in the relentless propaganda machines of our time in, "The Custer Myth: History, Music & the Arts Can, and Should, Inform Our Perspectives." Our June 26, 2019 special feature edition, at:

We published a single-topic edition titled "Dishonoring the Universal Declaration of Human Rights’ 70th Anniversary -- prepare to be furious," on June 24. It's at: 


THE GUIDE published an important special edition calling on you, our readers, to take a simple action to STOP the build-up to yet another war, this time with Iran. That edition has been read by many thousands, all around the world. "Time (just barely enough time) to stop the next war, and help suffering victims of the last one" was published June 20, 2019. Read it at:

The Guide's special edition for the 75th anniversary of D-Day and its meaning in our world today, has been read by many thousands of people in over 30 countries (so far); it is still available, at:


The most recent 'uge, 2-volume NEWS FEATURES edition was a while back, but it's still available. You can find it at:

As always, we have lots of MUSIC NEWS features in the works, and they'll be along as we get them dressed, shoes tied, cowlicks combed down, bowties cranked straight, and strings tuned

'Til we catch ya on the flip side,
as Buford the Wonder Dog looks on, 
and in our best Kathy Baker
"Hee Haw" voice: "THAT's all!"
Stay tuneful!


We'll be back again soon with music news and more "News of the Non-Trumpcentric Universe." (c)



Boilerplate? Where's the main pressure gauge? And the firebox?

What "boilerplate"? Who came up with that goofy term for the basic essential informational stuff...


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Lawrence Wines & Tied to the Tracks.

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♪ The ACOUSTIC AMERICANA MUSIC GUIDE endeavors to bring you NEWS – and views of interest to artists everywhere – more specifically to musicians and the creative community and music makers -- and fans of acoustic and Folk-Americana music. That includes both traditional and innovative forms. From the deepest roots to today’s acoustic renaissance, that’s our beat. We provide a wealth of resources, including a HUGE catalog of acoustic-friendly venues (now undergoing a major update), and inside info on FESTIVALS and select performances in Southern California in venues from the monumentally large to the intimately small and cozy. We cover workshops, conferences, and other events for artists and folks in the music industry, and all kinds o’ things in the world of acoustic and Americana and accessible classical music. From washtub bass to musical spoons to oboe to viola to banjo to squeezebox, from Djangostyle to new-fangled-old-time string band music, from sweet Cajun fiddle to bluegrass and pre-bluegrass Appalachian mountain music to all the swamp water roots of the blues and the bright lights of where the music is headed now.
The Acoustic Americana Music Guide. Thanks for sittin' a spell. The cyber porch'll be here anytime you come back from the road.

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