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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

SATIRICAL / PARODY / COMEDY-IN-SONG EDITION (because it's Politiconventioneering season and this is better than running into the street screaming)... July 19 2016 edition

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow! This edition earned 2,059 page views in its first few hours after publication. Looks like y'all like to laugh! Thank you, and we'll look for an opportunity to bring you something similar again soon.)

Time for some laughs in this, our 1,562nd edition.

We've published some truly YUGE news-packed editions lately. Yuge. What's in 'em is more durable than a certain political campaign, and those recent issues of the Guide are still jam-packed with still things you (mostly) can go do or all about musical stuff you otherwise should know.

So, "serious" is covered.

We decided it's time for our own little "Daily Show" / "Nightly Show" / "Redacted Tonight," music hall edition.

Like all of those, It's not like any of us can get away from the breathlessly desperate, pathetically fear-based appeals for money to "STOP (fill-in-the-blank) BEFORE THEY DESTROY AMERICA!" or curdle your homogenized milk, or unleaven your bread, or enlarge the pits in your peaches, or some other scary boogeymanish thing the ones who want your money hope you'll fall for.

It's all symptomatic of the polarizing political pox of Pathocracy. A musician friend sent us that new word the other day, "Pathocracy." Sort of what happens when poliics and pathology happen to democracy. Might even make a good title for a song. Or a tv show. But not a "reality" show, because we'd surely want to reach into the screen, tear them out by their overpriced Kartrashian duds, and flog them all. Or keel-haul the ones nearest to water. Or make them watch their own shows.

Still, we liked "Pathocracy" immediately upon seeing it. Because we do need a new vocabulary for these times wherein the oligarchy divides itself into two predatory classes:
1) there's the obvious Plutocracy, wherein they directly apply their financial power to taking over and running everything themselves, like, for example, that poster child for a toupeed orange that doesn't like apples. Or kumquats. Or anything foreign.
2) and there are the Proxy Plutocrats, who emulate their Gilded Age prototypes and just buy all the political officeholders they need, turning elected officials, buyable bureaucrats, and money-lusting lobbyists alike into wholly-owned subsidiaries.

Both kinds are obvious symptoms that Pathocracy is present. Just keep alert for whatever doesn't pass the smell test. Does it release its own telltale gases, as when rotting things produce cadaverine and putricine? Those two gases are really known to science, and both induce an involuntary reaction that makes their discoverer throw up. Sorta the same as what happens when we hear the voices of certain politicians. So can rolling up your pantlegs when you see 'em coming, though your footwear will still get it. Always carry clean socks. And antifungal cream.

Okay, okay. Maybe this part is funny and maybe it's too true so it's not. Let's get to the musical parts that are.


Contents / in this issue...




Let's get started!


# 1 news feature


By Larry Wines

We all encounter bits of some old or new song that seems curiously familiar. Sometimes, it doesn't stop there. As in this satire, making fun of the "too-familiar" speech by Melania Trump that was clearly plagiarized by some overpaid speechwriter who ripped her off. Unless she really did write it all herself, as she claims -- by using "online reference sources." Like someone else's speech. If you didn't stay up late Monday, it wasn't long before a few historians who heard Melania at the podium in Cleveland were scratching their heads and saying "Hmmm, that sorta sounds familiar, doesn't it?" It was quickly discovered that 22 out of 26 words were from Michelle Obama's '08 speech -- in one section alone. And 29 out of 34 words in another part were from that same original speech. It adds an entirely new dimension to this ongoing Twilight Zone of an election season.

Obviously, Melania needs a second bite at the apple. We think so, anyway.

You can read it below, or click over to where it was originally published so you can enjoy the two pieces of art that ran with it:

Otherwise, the full text is below. Enjoy.

Don't ask how we got it. Suffice it to say that after the stolen speech flap of night one of the Republican convention, the only thing the Goppers could do was send Melania back out there tonight to redeem herself. So here's her upcoming speech:

Lend me your ears. I traveled the Earth as a fashion model. To infinity and beyond. I was born under a wanderin' star in the final frontier where no one has gone before except The Donald's first two wives. And I learned something. If you don't know where you're going, you might end up someplace else.

Four score and seven years ago, my husband's father had a song written about him by Woody Guthrie. Play it, Sam, because if he can take it, so can I, and I cannot consecrate, I cannot hallow that song. He stuck a feather in his hat and never ate macaroni again because this is America. That land wasn't your land. It was Donald's father's land. And on that side, Woody couldn't say nothing, because his home ain't in this world anymore, and that side was made for you but not me. He was a poor, wayfarin' stranger and a peasant who rented and he had to move when he couldn't pay. And we need to make America great again so all the landlords get paid.

If my husband becomes president we have nothing to fear but fear itself as the light through yonder window breaks. Unless we're Mexicans and we have a dog 'cause it's out, damn Spot. But I'm from Eastern Europe, so ollie-ollie-oxen-free, Ollie, and there won't be any more Stan to claim it's another fine mess you've gotten me into because Donald never admits to getting into a mess. He sings c'est moi and is perfect in every way.

He will succeed where a less fantastic man would fail.
Climb a wall no one else can climb,
Cleave a dragon in record time,
Swim a moat in a coat of heavy iron mail.
No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable,
Impossible deeds should be his daily fare.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so extraordinaire?

He answers, "C'est moi! C'est moi," He's forced to admit, "Tis I, I humbly reply." That mortal who these marvels can do, "C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I."

O, can you see to treat people with dignity and respect and those words come from somebody else's speech where your reach exceeds your grasp. Unless your rich husband buys an octopus to grasp and grope his babe daughter and hold on to your children in an octopusus' garden where I'd like to be under the sea. After I go down to the crossroads to get to the yellow brick road to see the wizard. Where I will hire the tin man to chop off the lion's head and make a coat out of him for me. Because I have the values to work hard for what I want in this life and we need to have dreams. In America we can be great and have dreams. And dreamer, I believe you can get me through the night. So I'll button up my overcoat and put on my blue suede shoes to ask Mrs. Lincoln if she enjoyed the play because all the world's a stage, the play's the thing, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key, and 23 skidoo.

So be an authentic American original. Even if you are an immigrant and that's something we can't talk about because immigrants aren't supposed to be able to get over the wall. But all in all you're just another brick in the wall.

So ask not what your husband will buy for you, but who walks the hills in a long black veil and if she has a green card to provide for the common defense but not to collect welfare. You know if you have never heard this, it sounds like nothing you've ever heard, and If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

About last night, ¬you can observe a lot just by watching, and we made too many wrong mistakes. If you don't happen to like it, pass me by. I know it sounds a bit bizarre, but in Camelot, that's how conditions are.

So where am I going, I don't know, when will I get there, I ain't certain, all that I know is I am on my way, and who gives a damn, I'm on my way by the dawn's early light so get me to the church on time.

Because everyone has their cross in life to bear. So I'm grinning and bearing it. Because we are the champions using a Queen song without permission. And somebody must make the non-denominational evangelical creationist fundamentalist lambs washed in the blood make loaves from fishes. To cruz forth like Lazarus to vote for Donald. And it's a dirty job that ruins my nails. But somebody's got to do it. So you hope your song sounds like Stairway to Heaven and that it doesn't go over like a led balloon. Or like Michelle Obama's Move campaign because those people -- sweat.


# 2 news feature


It happened Monday night to kick-off the weeklong series on the CBS Late Show with Stephen Colbert that he's calling, "The 2016 Trumpublican Donational Coventrump Starring Donald Trump as the Republican Party (May Contain Traces of Republican)."

There are three video segments in the link below. One of them features Stewart and Stephen Colbert in his old Comedy Central character as the know-nothing emphatic conservative. One is a full-on Busby Berklee-style musical production number. All three are hilarious. We chose this link because all three vids are a one-stop grabatorium that also lets you read the Daily Beast critic's story:


# 3 news feature


Geo. McCalip (call him "George," but spell it "Geo.," upon seeing the "day two" speech for Melania Trump to deliver to the Republican convention tonight, wrote to send us a parody song.

Of the Melania gaffe and the fix-it speech, he says, "I am the kind of person who, if I see an injustice, I feel it should be addressed. So, late last year I was thinking about something I heard years ago. I don’t remember the exact quote, or who said it (if you do, please let me know) but a close paraphrase would be, 'The rich people may have all the power and the money, but the working class always has all the good songs.'"

That situation really didn't seem fair to Geo. So he addressed it in song, starting "by borrowing a really great tune." Then, in an expression far more more honest than you find with most songwriters (parody or otherwise), he says, "I put my heart and soul into writing the lyrics for about ten minutes. I figured if they didn’t like my lyrics they could pay somebody to write better ones. But I am proud to say that the injustice has been addressed."

If only every injustice could be brought down, or even held up to ridicule, with ten minutes to apply. He doesn't even own a blue shirt with a big red "S." Anyway, here is the result. Sung from the viewpoint of the bankster, or whatever other piratical predator skims all the cream off the top of everything these days.

"The Oligarch's Song"

©2015 Geo. McCalip, BMI
(To the tune of “This Land is Your Land”)

This land's not your land, this land is my land,
From California to the New York island,
From the clear-cut forest to polluted waters,
This land was made for only me.

Well I raped and pillaged and I plundered her riches,
That’s how oligarchs are, we’re just sons of bitches,
And if you don’t like it well that’s just too damned bad
Because this land was made for only me.


Now I‘ve got ALEC* writing legislation,
To help me steal this entire nation,
And if you don’t like it well that’s just too damned bad
Because this land was made for only me.


And I’ll make sure that your union’s busted
That’s a fact that can be trusted,
And if you don’t like it well that’s just too damned bad
Because this land was made for only me.


So I’m gonna buy the next election
It shouldn’t cost more than about a billion
And if you don’t like it well that’s just too damned bad
Because this land was made for only me.


This is a thought that is well worth noting
I really don’t think you should be voting
And if you don’t like what you gonna do about it?
Because this land was made for only me.

And if you don’t like what you gonna do about it?
Because this land was made for only me.

*- ALEC is the American Legislative Exchange Council, an organization that pays politicians to keep the rich from paying taxes and corporations from being regulated for environmental compliance, worker safety, or much of anything else that "cuts into profits."

You can catch Geo. doing his song live (and print-out the lyrics to take for a singalong):

- Tonight (Tues) at the open mic at Bogart’s Coffee in Seal Beach.
- Friday at the open mic at Royal Cup in Long Beach.
- Saturday at the open mic at Fox Coffeehouse in Long Beach.

Specific info for each of the open mics may be found at:


There's PLENTY of news and events, previews and reviews, and all kindsa tuneful trails to follow to times and territories with prevalent strings 'n things in recent editions of the Guide. Depending on what kind of device you're using to read this, either scroll down to recent past editions, or if you see space on the left side, scroll back up to the sidebar where you can click individual editions. You can also open past months or past years or use the site's search bar to -- go way back when Lassie was a lil' bitty puppy dog and Mussolini was a private.

More coming soon.


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Contents copyright © 2016, Lawrence Wines & Tied to the Tracks. All rights reserved.
♪ The ACOUSTIC AMERICANA MUSIC GUIDE endeavors to bring you NEWS and views of interest to artists everywhere, more specifically to musicians and the creative community and music makers and fans of acoustic and Folk-Americana music, both traditional and innovative forms. From the deepest roots to today’s acoustic renaissance, that’s our beat. We provide a wealth of resources, including a HUGE catalog of acoustic-friendly venues, and schedules and inside info on FESTIVALS and select performances in Southern California in venues monumentally large and intimately small and cozy. We cover workshops and other events for artists and folks in the music industry, and all kinds o’ things in the world of acoustic and Americana and accessible classical music. From washtub bass to musical spoons to oboe to viola to banjo to squeezebox, from Djangostyle to new-fangled-old-time string band music, from sweet Cajun fiddle to bluegrass and pre-bluegrass Appalachian mountain music to all the roots of the blues and where the music is headed now.
The Acoustic Americana Music Guide. Thanks for sittin' a spell.


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